Christ, not this tired old bullshit again please. Didn’t we exhaust the I-pretend-to-be-gay-to-be-cool thing with the death of Suede and Brett Anderson’s faux-gayness?

Seemingly not, for in order to appear all windswept and interesting, Pete Wentz has made wishy-washy claims of bisexuality. Before we go any further this is he.

He’s the lead singer of the intolerably awful Fall Out Boy, themselves named after a character in The Simpsons, Millhouse’s starring role as Radioactive Man’s sidekick. So straight out of the blocks he’s made himself unpopular with me for his paint-by-numbers pop culture reference.

In addition to this he’s married to Ashlee Simpson. Why would anyone marry that miming, barn dancer? Look at them, it’s painful.

So we’ve established he’s an attention seeker (why else would you marry Ashlee Simpson), which makes the following statements seem rather obvious.

…anybody above the waist is totally fair game.

Apparently this an allusion to the fact that he’s kissed boys, but no more! Like some kind of bisexual prom queen. Yawn. Though wait, no. It’s simply because…

I’m not a fan of penises.

Phew, glad we cleared that up. What else could this arse possibly say to dig himself further into his let’s pretend world?

How about this gem from the front cover of Out.

Yeah, I am a fag.

Right, so you’re a fag that just doesn’t like cock. I know exactly how you feel I’m a world class tightrope walker, it’s just I’m afraid of heights is all. Dick.

Still let’s save, the rather contradictory, best for last.

I would never come out and say I’m gay, because I’m not gay. There’s part of me that kind of wishes I was gay, and I think that comes from anybody constantly wishing they were in the minority and constantly wants to be fighting everybody off.

What a fucking tit. Why would you say that? What a pointless human being.